Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I Went to the Grocery Store (and other exciting tales)

May 6, 2007

i went to the grocery store (and other exciting tales)

davey was sprawled over his lane, elbows resting on the scanner, face resting in hands, and hips pumping back and forth to the tinny sound of "that's the way (uhhuh uhhuh) i like it".  davey was a bit chubby, clad in too tight black pants with a suspiciously curvy cut in the waist and hip.  when i entered his line, he looked me straight in the eyes and continued to shake his hips, side to side. i said "hello" in a strange, rushed way as i set my basket on the conveyor.   he licked his lips, then erected his upper body, so he was standing. as he took my items out of my basket, i worried that he was judging my selections. i imagined his internal diaologue "frozen meals? aw honey, how sad. at least you're trying to watch that figure... maybe you should hit the gym, then maybe you'll land yourself a man .... corn pops? you might like to think you're still a teeniebop, but have you looked in the mirror?... i hope you got some oil of olay in this basket." at this point, i imagine davey was suppressing a nasty little smirk... "ooh what have we here? tiny cans of pepsi and organic milk. someone likes to think she's hip. well look at these hips.... you ain't got nothing on davey"
but davey was efficient, and i appreciated that. as soon as i swiped my card, davey was ready... "credit or debit?"  as davey carefully tucked my items into a paperbag he'd specially selected because my stuff would "fit better," i began to think i was mistaken. surely sweet davey wasn't judging me. i was judging him. which is lame. and i was judging myself as him. which is lame and pretty fucking crazy.

sometimes, i'll think i'm fine... then i go to the grocery store and something about it makes me break inside and i go a little crazy. it happened tonight, not just with davey, but also when i saw that they were out of honey nut cheerios. i got choked up. suddenly the dreaded grocery store tears were invading my face. as we all know, grocery store tears are the worst. i knew i wasn't crying over the fucking cheerios but for god's sake, what kind of grocery store runs out of honey nut cheerios? if i don't start dealing with my feelings in a more direct way, i'm going to be a nut. honey. cheerio.

on the way to the car, my hand selected paper bag broke. i knew davey was out to get me.

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