I think it was a prophecy

 

April 20, 2007

shut in.

i'd just gotten home from work about 20 minutes earlier, and i decided to take a walk to amazing grace to get some dinner.  when i stepped out of my gate, i saw that old man moped was on his front steps. i said hello. he said something like "when's the last time you were out?"  i said, "what?" he said "you never leave your house anymore." i said, "well i leave it everyday for work." he looked surprised, "you work?" by now my face has to look like i'm staring at a plateful of retarded mashed potatoes. exactly. totally confused.
"yeah. i work. all day. ever since i moved in here. for two years. same place."
"oh, i thought you were becoming a shut in. i thought you were probably laid up in there depressed." then he laughed.
i wasn't sure what to say besides, "no, not at all."
then i walked off.

what the fuck?

salena said it was a prophecy. i'd prefer to think that he and i live in different universes that only align once every 6 months or so. that's why he never sees me.

UPDATE: Apparently Salena was right. This man was a prophet. Lord knows what he'd think if he was my neighbor now.

Rich Bitches and Angels

April 24, 2007

rich bitches and angels

so i'll start by saying, i'm crazy.

today, as i was leaving value market, i was nearly plowed into on purpose by a crazy old rich lady.
i was stopped at the light that allows traffic from midcity mall onto bardstown. traffic was backed up and the lady to my left had stopped behind the traffic light, so as not to congest the intersection. how considerate of her.  i kept an eye on both traffic lights, as most impatient types typically do, and as i saw her light turn yellow, the following logic unfolded in my skull: the traffic to my right has yet to move, my light will be turning green in about 20 seconds, the nice lady to my left is obviously trying not to block the intersection = i can go ahead and take a right and secure my place in the bumper to bumper traffic.  as i pull out, the opposing light turns red. before my light turns green crazy rich bitch decides to floor it and aims her ugly silver suv right at my smaller, more efficent, more enviromentally friendly silver suv. i had to cut my wheel to the right into the parking lane just to get away from her, then reverse, so she could fit into the space around me.
normally, i avoid confrontation. however, i was feeling spicy.  when she turned onto Longest, i decided to follow her. as we came to the first stop sign, i saw her big, stupid, frightened eyes appear in the side mirror. she pulled out a cell phone. this infuriated me all the more.  i continued to follow her. we went on a fifteen minute loppty loo around the park... i thought this bitch was in a hurry. why are we taking the scenic route?  finally she leads me to the intersection of lexington and grinstead. she was going to take the interstate. we were stopped at a light. there was no where for her to go. i unbuckle my seat belt. i think "i'm so stupid!" and simultanousely think "i'll kill you with a hammer!" as i open my door. i slip easily into teacher face as i knock on her window. i'm going to insist on an apology. she screams and jumps as my fist raps out a quick "knock knock knock." i take great pleasure from watching her trembling hands fumble for the automatic door locks.  she yells, "Go away!"
i pantomime through the window "I just wanted to see where you were in such a hurry to get." She screams, "I had the right of way!"
my pantomime continues "oh, so you decided to ram into my car? that's real smart. you're real smart." I emphasize her brain power by repeatedly pointing to and tapping my own head.
then the light changed and it was all over. well almost. i did call the police on the bitch. yes i did. fucking whore cunt.

i thought the demon visited me. perhaps to kill me for my wrongs. but instead it was the angel. to bring regret to the surface. to make me see what love really could have been.

I Went to the Grocery Store (and other exciting tales)

More   May 6, 2007

i went to the grocery store (and other exciting tales)

davey was sprawled over his lane, elbows resting on the scanner, face resting in hands, and hips pumping back and forth to the tinny sound of "that's the way (uhhuh uhhuh) i like it".  davey was a bit chubby, clad in too tight black pants with a suspiciously curvy cut in the waist and hip.  when i entered his line, he looked me straight in the eyes and continued to shake his hips, side to side. i said "hello" in a strange, rushed way as i set my basket on the conveyor.   he licked his lips, then erected his upper body, so he was standing. as he took my items out of my basket, i worried that he was judging my selections. i imagined his internal diaologue "frozen meals? aw honey, how sad. at least you're trying to watch that figure... maybe you should hit the gym, then maybe you'll land yourself a man .... corn pops? you might like to think you're still a teeniebop, but have you looked in the mirror?... i hope you got some oil of olay in this basket." at this point, i imagine davey was suppressing a nasty little smirk... "ooh what have we here? tiny cans of pepsi and organic milk. someone likes to think she's hip. well look at these hips.... you ain't got nothing on davey"
but davey was efficient, and i appreciated that. as soon as i swiped my card, davey was ready... "credit or debit?"  as davey carefully tucked my items into a paperbag he'd specially selected because my stuff would "fit better," i began to think i was mistaken. surely sweet davey wasn't judging me. i was judging him. which is lame. and i was judging myself as him. which is lame and pretty fucking crazy.

sometimes, i'll think i'm fine... then i go to the grocery store and something about it makes me break inside and i go a little crazy. it happened tonight, not just with davey, but also when i saw that they were out of honey nut cheerios. i got choked up. suddenly the dreaded grocery store tears were invading my face. as we all know, grocery store tears are the worst. i knew i wasn't crying over the fucking cheerios but for god's sake, what kind of grocery store runs out of honey nut cheerios? if i don't start dealing with my feelings in a more direct way, i'm going to be a nut. honey. cheerio.

on the way to the car, my hand selected paper bag broke. i knew davey was out to get me.

Actual vs. Planned

What I planned to do today:

• exerecise
• clean the house
• do the laundry
• work on art
• practice guitar

What I've actually done today:

• drank 8 cups of coffee
• watched several episodes of Roseanne
• ate a ham sandwich
• spent 4 hours on the internet, reading the news, perusing my old blogs, generally wasting time and digging up gems like this:

Technology Scares Me + Religion Scares Me = The Pope Blessed an iPhone App

and this...

Can you believe this is DJ? From Roseanne? Is it just me or did he grow up to be sort of handsome? Remember his teen years?















I also think I'm going to start reblogging my old Myspace blogs.  It's only a matter of time before that site totally disappears and most of my twenties are housed there.


For now, I'll just leave you with this one.  It took me forever to scan and I probably broke some of God's laws by not following the directions.

May 21, 2007

my mom told me to check my mail...

as we were getting off the phone. so i remembered as i walked past my mail box to peak inside. amoung a few circulars, i saw this:



at first i thought it must be some kind of christian loan company - which i found really amusing, but then i turned to the back:



and got a little creeped out. of course i really wanted to know if there was a hankerchief inside and i was curious to see if lightening would strike if i opened the sealed prophecy. who knew mail could be so mysterious?

upon opening the letter, i begin leafing through it and quickly realize there is no handkerchief... then i found this -



so the hankie is paper. that's kind of lackluster isn't it?

next i began reading this letter.





after reading about his drunken father, i thought back to the fact that my mother had reminded me to check my mail... was she behind this? maybe the answer lay waiting inside my SEALED personal prophecy from god?



of course i had to know what my SEALED personal prophecy from god said - even though it was covered in warnings not to open it until after i'd followed the ritualistic stuff... so i broke the SEAL and found



needless to say, i was pretty let down that my personal prophecy seemed so damn generic. god totally doesn't get me. i need to feel unique, individual, special.

in all seriousness though... what's the gimmick? there's only a small spot in which people can donate to god's cause. i wonder if they slowly suck you in as you respond? i might have to send back my hankie in my postage paid envelope just to see what kind of cult this really is.

Stupid Things I Have Said in an Attempt to Make Things More Favorable for Myself but Which Had the Opposite Effect

Me: Ewww.

Byron: What?

Me: I just found this old, dried up, snotty tissue in my pocket. Ugh. There's one in the other pocket too!

Byron: You're gross.

Me: No. It's not mine. I just collect old tissues... that I find. That's less gross, right?

Byron: Sure.