family

one part loves me
because i adhere to them
i please them
i hold my tongue
after all these years
the other?
they despise me
we rode together
we jumped in the water fully clothed
it was your first time
you broke in
you knew they'd fucked me over
now,
nothing.
you housed me
now,
nothing
only the ones i don't get
accept the me i show

et tu?

reaching out
slaps you in the face
shut down
looked down
let down
who even tries anymore
besides me
you do
i do
we do
but who are you?
i know you must know this too

next and then

nothing's lining up
nothing's clicking
i need to shave my pits
need to shave my legs
arrange the future
arrange the past
i'm feeling
oh so fucking crazy
i'm feeling under
appreciated
i need to give away
i need to make amends
arrange the past
then make some plans
nothing's lining up
nothing's clicking

Moving On by Larry McMurtry

So I'm reading this epically long novel called moving on. At the start, I was so endeared to the characters. They were flawed, yes, but they were real and the writing was so honest. Now I'm about 400 pages in and they've all become so unlikable and self centered and dishonest. At this point their lives are these pathetic little parodies of what they could have been. Sadly, I'm drawing all these parrallels to the real world - or maybe not so sadly. I suppose relatability is the point of a good book. I just hope it doesn't end with no meaning.

You cross your signals
You dot your lies
You send mixed messages
I feign surprise

YOu SeND MiXeD MeSsAgEs

the daily

so mostly working in the yard today. making another small brick patio. i somehow managed to forget over the course of a year what back-breaking work laying a brick patio is. i worked myself shaky. but, i'm getting lots of cool ideas about they yard in general, and things are starting to come together.
i spent some time looking up glass bottle walls. i'd really like to make a half wall as our back fence. it'd be crazy work, but we wouldn't have to contribute any glass to recycling for a long time. also, if we wanted to speed it up it'd be pretty simple to get donations. take a bucket to a party. there you go. easy.

still planning and researching outdoor mosaic surfaces. this one is a really intricate pebble rug. i'll never have the patience for it, but it does inspire. i'm thinking more large tile, bright colors. but this sure is pretty. reminds me of the seashell grave tops in the cemetery at my mom and dad's.


i've been writing some songs. trying to do the live thing and unhinge myself from my recording addiction. i just keep writing beginnings of songs, though. i know one will stick around for an ending. i've always done that with songs. even though i'm trying to break my recording songs habit, i'm still doing clip recordings so i can go back and check stuff out. i can't give up the habit completely yet! mostly i just want to make sure that i'm able to perform what i'm writing so i'm easing up on the layering and making sure i can do it live with a loop pedal. i hope to have some new songs to perform soon. although i'd rather get a portable power source and do a street performance than a show.
we'll see.

also, flash mobs are still on the brain.

checking in and signing off,
me (you)

first in another form

i burn bridges
with careless abandon-
ment
i will never
travel
that way again unless you
rebuild it